Feeling Lost (Part 2) : Women vs Women, When Will It End?

"I don't have an issue with anyone...or do I?"

Hello there Kingdom Sisters, welcome to part 2 of the Feeling Lost series. Now before we begin, this is your warning, there will be things written in here that may pinch or sting a little. There may be moments where you feel as if I'm coming for you, trust me, I'm not. BUT, as the saying goes "if the shoe fits, wear it" I think we can all agree that we've been going along with being barefoot for far too long. Accountability starts with you, now then, let's begin. So this title is meant to make you question yourself and your daily patterns and interactions with other women of God. Are you one of the many women who say that you can't have other women as friends because of how you've been done in the past? Are you less likely to be friendly towards another woman but deep down you really admire how she carries herself but your pride won't let you reach out to her or compliment her? Do you find yourself loving what another woman has on and even if you are friendly and get out of your shell to be nice, you find them being rude or snappy? Do you find yourself being used as a doormat because of how genuine and kind you are and people think you don't see their manipulation? Little do they know, you used to be very vicious and cold. Maybe some of you are like that right now. Honestly, the root of all of this can be very simple but harsh. Jealousy, Insecurity, Toxic Admiration & Intimidation are very close to each other in these scenarios. Now I know that some of you may be reading this thinking "that's not why I stay away from other women." But is that true though? Keep in mind, these are only a few examples and a few words but they are very popular among us honestly. Putting myself out there, I remember when this other black girl (we were young at the time) literally told me that she only has white girls as friends because black girls can be too much. The more I got know that girl, the more I realized, she was really the one who was "too much" and constantly rude for no reason. Going even further, she was a beautiful black girl too BUT because of our first initial interaction, it tainted how I viewed her as a person and I completely shut down any interest that I had in being a friend to her. Now even though that might have sounded like a very simple and small interaction compared to what us now grown women go through, it was still sad that just like that, on both ends, two black girls stood divided rather than together. Of course you can say that it's not that deep BUT if it wasn't that deep, why did she feel the need to project onto me that she didn't really get along with other black girls thus already shutting me out without even getting to know me as a PERSON first? A lot of us choose to do this, especially in the black community and I personally believe that jealousy & trust issues is taught. We carry them in our hearts everywhere we go, even in the Body of Christ...

Jealousy is a trap...

WARNING: IF THIS IS NOT YOUR AREA OF SUFFERING, MAYBE THIS WILL OPEN YOUR EYES TO WOMEN WHO ARE JEALOUS. ALSO, IF THIS IS YOUR AREA OF SUFFERING, THE FIRST THING TO DO TO GET OUT OF IT, IS BY ADMITTING THAT YOU DEAL WITH THIS PERSONALLY AND ASK GOD TO SHOW YOU WHY YOU ARE AMAZING IN YOUR OWN WAY ACCORDING TO HIS WORD!

Jealousy, has been in our families, friends, environments, social status, children, clothes and so much more for as long as time. Think about Cain & Abel in the Bible, they were two brothers who first wanted to please God with their offerings. But because God didn't take to Cain's offering but took to Abel's, Cain grew jealous and that lead him to kill his own brother. Of course Cain would pay for this but he wasn't put out of his misery quickly, he had to endure hardships and be shunned and so much more. As women, we are jealous of other women. When it comes down to being in the body of Christ, jealousy is heavy among us but we don't want to admit it because SOME of us as women believe that we are better than others just because we aren't on the streets anymore. Want to know a secret? A woman who is still on the street may be the most truthful and humble woman than the woman in the church building, LOOKING the part. You know what I'm talking about. Now with jealousy it's always towards someone who has something we can't have or who is someone we can't be. Woman of God, if this is not your area of suffering then please know this. Some women will simply be jealous of you because of WHO YOU ARE. It doesn't matter how nice you are, it doesn't matter how pretty or smart or creative you are, it doesn't matter how resourceful or funny or humble you are. Jealous women will be jealous because they can't be who you are. They may see how everyone loves you and they'll want that for themselves without you in the picture. They may hype up and try to get close to everyone else around you except you because they want to take your "place". You may be thinking "well I'm just being myself" well that's the issue with jealous women, they'll view everything that you do as a jab towards them. Especially if you're setting a standard of the kind of woman they long to be. Women can be jealous of how you look, who you're married to or dating, what kind of car you drive, your career path, even how many kids you have or how well you communicate with others. Some women will even be jealous of how much others genuinely love on you. I'm not saying that you have to try and understand why they treat you this way but I can say that you should just forgive them on your personal time, give the situations to God and go about your business. Because they're only hurting themselves in the end. Now if  you are the woman who tends to be jealous of other women ( YOU AND GOD KNOWS THE TRUTH) then please, don't carry this weight. Admit it on your personal time and look over the thoughts that you have about the women you are jealous of. Jealousy is truly a trap because it keeps you stagnant trying to one up a woman who probably isn't even paying attention to you. Let's be honest here, we know how we as women can be when we are focused, no distractions just looking straight forward. If there's a woman that you find yourself jealous of just take a moment to realize that you don't know what kind of hell that woman had to endure to become who she is today. You don't know what kind of hell she is enduring right now as you read this. Let's say you're jealous of something small/shallow like her looks but you don't know how many bullies poked fun at her because of how she looked in her younger years. Maybe you're jealous of her body size but that girl may barely eat because of depression or stress. Or maybe you're jealous of a woman who's been embracing her curves lately but you don't know how much hell she has to endure from her own flesh and blood calling her fat or telling her to lose weight. Maybe you're jealous of the woman who everyone seems to love but you never knew how she was once so cold and lonely that she tried to off herself due to not being surrounded by REAL love. Maybe you're jealous of that woman who was blessed with twins but you don't know how long she prayed and begged God for children. If you are a jealous type of woman, you can come out of being jealous. Ask God to show you to yourself. You can admire someone without it turning toxic....

Toxic admiration and why it's fatal to your spirit

WARNING: IF YOU ARE A JEALOUS WOMAN, THIS TOXIC ADMIRATION SECTION GOES HAND IN HAND WITH THE JEALOUSY SECTION!!  IF THIS IS NOT YOUR AREA OF SUFFERING, THIS WILL SHOW YOU WHY SOME WOMEN ARE CLINGY TO YOU IN AN UNHEALTHY WAY!!

"Toxic admiration, what even is that?" Toxic admiration is exactly what it sounds like. Admiring another woman until it's toxic as in not only is jealousy starting to form towards this woman but also intimidation and insecurity has now entered inside your mind. Toxic admiration obviously doesn't start out fatal, first you may be genuinely inspired by this woman and you admire how she carries herself in front of others, behind the scenes and as a whole. You may or might have even tried to be friends with this woman at a certain point but, with each day passing, you begin to compare yourself to this woman more and more. You begin to not like how others treat her lovingly and or love on her as the time passes but you still want to stay connected because there's that small part of you that still admires her. You may not get how she is the way she is but you may even try to pick up on some of her personality traits and you continue to do so until you're exhausted and burnt out. Why? Because you are trying to keep up with a persona that is simply not you and then you become frustrated or bothered behind closed doors about how certain things aren't going your way like they used to. Then you begin to form an imaginary scenario in your mind that this woman doesn't like you and is out to get you. So you decide to go with the thought process of this woman needing to be your ultimate enemy. I don't care what anyone says, the way our minds can work is lethal if our mental health isn't straight, we can think up imaginary scenarios of things that NEVER EVEN HAPPENED and slap on a familiar face of someone we don't like and use that to justify our weak points (mainly gossip) So now, your toxic admiration towards this woman has made you believe that this woman is your enemy, and that she doesn't like you, and so now you have to paint her up as a villain to anyone you talk to in order to make yourself feel better. And if you aren't surrounded by women who will call you out on your crap, then they'll just agree and you'll remain at the same place, stagnant. And again, all the while you're going through this toxic admiration phase, you have no idea what kind of hell this woman is going through and or she may not even be aware that you have an issue with her and yet you always want to be near her. Why? Because of the admiration. So what do you do now that you're resenting and gossiping about this woman that you painted as a villain  that you once were inspired by or is still inspired by? ADMIT IT, ADMIT YOUR WRONGS AND REPENT. Truly ask God to shift you from this mindset. Shield yourself from toxic conversations that involves bringing other women down. And yes, I know that not all women that you may be jealous of are complete angels because sometimes, the woman that you're jealous of will find out and can turn petty. Sometimes the woman that you're jealous of will find out about it and will just go about her business. Like I said, some women can really move forward without being worried about who said what or who doesn't like them. Thankfully I've seen myself working on that and embracing moving forward more. So let's just say you're a jealous woman who has had toxic admiration issues and it bothers you that the other woman you have an issue with is still thriving... *insecurity has entered the chat*

Insecurity & Intimidation is loud and painful...

WARNING: WE ALL HAVE INSECURITY ISSUES, SOME ARE JUST MORE WILLING TO OVERCOME THEM AND WORK ON THEM THAN OTHERS. IF ANYTHING COMES OFF AS A TRIGGER, KNOW THAT YOU ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE

So now with ripping the band aid off, when you're insecure about how you look, it can take an extreme toll on you. Especially as women, we know that the world will pressure us to look how the world wants us to look. SO what happens when you're insecure about who you are as a person? Let me tell you something, looks to the side, some women truly don't like who they are as a person so it's easy for them to project their insecurities and fears onto other women. Some come in a sorry excuse of jokes as in "girl don't wear that red dress looking who done it and why" or " girl you so fat lol" or "girl you mad slow, idiot" Yes, these seem very corny and look unrealistic but ask somebody how shade was thrown at them in a joke and I know for a fact that you'll hear things just as corny, and even more vulgar. You see when you begin to embrace who you are, SOME other women won't like that especially if they are insecure with themselves. Have you ever noticed that when you are publicly putting yourself out there saying that you're drained, and depressed and stressed out that certain women out of nowhere act as if they're truly there for you? (yes I know some people don't do this publicly)  Then to add on top of that, they're the first ones available for what you might see as a normal venting session but really they see it has secret ammo to hold on to the moment you two no longer see eye to eye or when they think it'll be juicy gossip for others. BUT once you actually start taking the steps to being healed, and loving on yourself and embracing who you are while growing and loving on your looks, people get distant. ( also too, some people may not care, not to be rude but they may not deal with you like that tbh)  People then think you're full of yourself or they begin to think that you think you're all that. They're insecure about themselves and intimidated at the fact they see a woman actually embracing the very things that should be breaking her down. Now if you're the woman that is seeing how others have shifted just because you have been loving on who God has created you to be then KEEP MOVING FORWARD!!! I know it sounds cliche and repetitive but you can be a woman who simply does not give certain things or people attention anymore. You can be a woman who no longer desires to keep up with who is doing what and who is saying what about you. Take it from someone who is learning this herself literally now. Some people may take that as in you don't like them anymore or you have a issue but it's simply just not caring anymore, it's literally just focusing on bettering yourself, not just on the outside but the actual inside. Now if you're a woman who is insecure and intimidated by someone around you, go to the mirror and start speaking the things that you actually LOVE about yourself. If that's hard then go to your Bible and keep looking at what God says about you: YOU ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. Even if you still feel the need to gossip about someone you are intimidated by, ask God to expose YOU to yourself. You don't have to be the bad apple of the batch. You don't have to stay the same, you can be free from bitterness, it won't happen over night but if you truly release all that you've been holding onto agaisnt other women, God can begin to heal you. BUT if you're a woman suffering in this area YOU have to make the DECISION to change for real. Some women don't want to change, be weary of that. Not everyone around you will want you to stop gossiping and lying and putting another woman down. Some women want to stay like that, be wise in who you decide to be around, be wise in who you decide to be... I hope you choose yourself in God's eyes because that version is open to CONTINUOUS growth and change!

I've got some praying and healing to do ...

Now ladies, if you've made it this far, I'm not even gonna hold you, this turned out to be very lengthy but this was necessary not just for you but for me too. When we get tangled up in who likes us and who doesn't or who's better than who or who's gossiping about who or who tries to be close to us behind closed doors but not in front of others then we indeed do feel lost. So no matter if you are dealing with someone who has or you're someone who is dealing jealousy, intimidation, insecurity, toxic admiration, not so friendly "friends", undercover snakes and much more personally, KEEP MOVING FORWARD, admit your wrongs and faults, forgive if you need to forgive. Let whoever think whatever just keep getting better. KEEP GETTING BETTER. Don't just stop at the "let whoever think whatever" actually strive to get better! Meet God in your secret place, begin to take the steps towards healing, it's not pretty, it's not cute quotes and happy go lucky scriptures. It's hard work. It takes pressure for a diamond to form. Apply the pressure to yourself! Start looking at gossip as something that you're too good for! Stop involving yourself with people who just want to talk about others all the time. Learn to say no, not just with your words but with your boundaries. This will not be a popular topic because like I've said before, there are some women who don't want to stop being petty, jealous, bitter and much more. But it's YOUR decision on what you choose to do and how you choose to carry yourself because God sees it all regardless no matter how well you hide it from others... I hope that this has made any woman in Christ feel more seen, alot of women deal with these struggles and we could even dive deeper. Even if you read about all of this and say that this isn't any of the reasons why you don't get along with other women, then it's not that you think other women are your enemy....it's that you know your enemy is actually yourself...

Stay tuned for Part 3....

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged