I Was THAT Girl...

I used to tuck away who I really was for the sake of fitting in...

Have you ever seen someone so caught up in what everyone else thought of them that they would quickly apologize for doing every little thing wrong? Then when you saw what they did, it wasn't really wrong, they were just being themselves and because it wasn't normal they apologized for being themselves..well dear friends I was THAT girl. Yes, you see before I came to Christ, I was alright with who I was until I allowed insecurities and low self esteem to take control. I began to mask who I truly was just to fit in with those who didn't even care for my well being. Shocking maybe? Yeah, I know, but we all come from somewhere. Now then, I had been through times of being bullied and I've been through times of being a mean ticking time bomb but the main thing that truly held me down was the low self esteem. Once people even get a whiff of someone with low self esteem, if they are manipulative enough, they'll use that to their advantage thus bringing forth the painful process of becoming a people pleasing person. This is exactly what happened to me, just for the sake of having "friends". I began to tuck away all of the great things that made me who I was and I began to pick up toxic traits and behaviors just for the sake of fitting in and pleasing others. I was the girl who was always saying "sorry" when I never did anything wrong. I was the girl trying to pick up on how others talked just hang and be included, I completely masked myself and in the end of it all, I couldn't even recognize myself. A little while after getting saved, I still had a bunch of stumbling blocks and fall outs that took place. I wasn't aiming to please people as much but I wasn't really embracing all that I was still even with being around people who were trying to get closer to God as well. You're going to hear me say "I" a  lot since I'm putting myself on front street. I was still THAT girl...

Identifying and removing the toxic traits

Now once I became stable in my faith, the very things that were holding me back were being revealed right before my very eyes. I had to seriously pray that God would remove my toxic ways and traits so that I could be all that He has called me to be. In doing so, I had to go through deliverances, self deliverances and keeping my mind covered in prayer and His word DAILY. I had to be real with myself and get serious about changing for the better. None of this was an easy task but when you want God more than you want the things of this world, He will see your efforts and send forward real people of God to cover and labor with you. When I began to go through times of getting rid of the very things that were holding me back, I was then able to see my purpose and I was so thankful that I no longer had to suffer from an identity crisis there was just one thing that I wasn't ready for. I wasn't ready to be used in certain areas of my life in order to help others. If I could have it my way, I would have just stayed to myself a lot and just took things day by day. Of course, His will and His way and plans are better than our own. Once I began to allow Him to use me, another thing that I didn't even know that was there began to surface...

Hypocrisy was my middle name...

How God uses me is usually in my writing and encouragement and being an intercessor, when it first began, He was literally forcing me out of my shell. For my seasoned readers, you already know that I wrote in high school but never really had the courage to share much. When He began to show me The Wife Life brand, He had everything laid out and all I had to do was trust Him and start. I didn't want to do it at all, I'm not even one to talk to other people but God will use what you are passionate about to bring them closer to Him. Now once this all began, among other forms of ministry, I was truly being kept. I say this because if you've been around me then you already know that I'm not going to allow you to talk down on yourself. I would be quick to speak life, lift you up and type out a whole a prayer. You name it, I did it. But, behind closed doors, I was believing in God for everyone else but not for myself. He kept me in His grace because I was being a hypocrite at first. I would have huge faith for the people in my life and I would praise so hard for others but when it came down to my own struggles and battles, I grew silent and gave up to quickly. Yes, even after coming to Christ and knowing who I was in Him, I was still THAT girl. My husband had noticed it and of course I already knew that a change had to come forth. Sometimes when you begin to walk in your true purpose, it will expose things about yourself that still need to be worked on and or removed. Behind closed doors, I could go in for others but when it came down to just me and the Father, my relationship was growing weak, and I had moments of growing silent. I didn't reach out when I needed to, I didn't ask for prayer or get into detail but God kept me. I then had to take a moment to truly examine myself and I had to drop hypocrisy for good. I went about this by being more intentional in what I prayed about over myself. I had to stop speaking certain things over myself including certain jokes because our words have power. The self checks were hard because often times I had to look at things about myself that I didn't want to see. I had to get real with myself first and honestly the fruit in my work began to show. Nowadays pretty much every time I write, I'm always talking to myself as well. Now I go in harder in covering myself and when I need to reach out I do. If you have ever found yourself being a hypocrite in some areas of your life, I dare you to ask yourself why is your faith so little in that area. That mustard seed has to grow at some point.

If you knew me yesterday, get to know me again...

Sometimes you have to look back in order to see how far you've come as a person. You have to have the mindset of knowing that this is your testimony and you have to share with others in order for your freedom to remain and for someone else to gain hope through your story. When sharing, you may have to tell a lot of people and sometimes it might just be that one person, regardless of how it is, don't be afraid to share. If you notice that some of the things that I have listed pertain to you then don't worry. I am a living witness that change is available to you when you let God take control. It gets easier when you are able to call yourself out instead of letting others do it for you. Now I was THAT girl who masked herself just to fit in and was a total hypocrite when it came to my own struggles. I was THAT girl who was clinging on to toxic traits and building up walls because I had a fear of being used or hurt again. I was THAT girl who would bend over backwards to please others while draining myself daily. This is who I was and it has nothing on who I am today. Today, I have no problem with embracing all that I am that God has called me to be. It's alright if not everyone wants to connect with me. I'm reminded daily that there's nothing wrong with asking for help and prayer during my weak moments. Oh and you seriously won't catch me covering up who I really am just to fit in. Whoever gravitates towards me, likes me for me and whoever does so to just be a leech is already revealed through having discernment and the Holy Ghost. If you knew me before, you might need to get to know me again because the girl that I was before has nothing on the woman I am evolving into today.

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged