Don't Sweat The Small Stuff!

We get it, the load is heavy on both ends...

In a marriage it can be incredibly easy to point the finger at each other when you're tired from your day to day responsibilities. For the wife, the unseen labor to others can push us and try to keep us on edge from time to time. With the world constantly making posts, podcasts, shows, and articles about the "exhausted mama" it often only shows the "downside" of being a mom and wife. You know exactly what I am talking about girl, don't even front. You've seen the posts of how much women change, develop, and push to keep their children and home afloat. You've seen the articles on how other women believe that marriage and motherhood is a burden that they don't want but on the flip side they're drooling over the idea of having a husband. You see, we all know that narrative, of course the wife does a lot that people know and don't know about BUT when you are constantly feeding your mind "the exhausted woman" story, that is all that you will ever be. Now, of course we have days and weeks where we are just tired, may feel unappreciated, or whatever it may be to you but you can cause your mind to be exhausted, thus changing the way you react to your husband. Trust me, I knew it was tough to keep your marriage healthy because some things had to get broken up and given to God. On top of that, the enemy HATES marriage so attacks come forth ESPECIALLY if both you and your husband operate in some form of ministry and are daring to give God praise despite of what you may be facing. I now know that marriage can become even tougher when you have a child because the enemy wants to stop your seed from growing especially when it was a seed that was promised to you. Now, I could go on and on and on about the unseen heavy load of how it is to experience marriage and motherhood for myself  BUT didn't I mention that the load is heavy on...BOTH sides? Ahhh, that sting hurts but it's working for our good. How many of us as wives and some as both wives & mothers, complain about our day to day things but rarely speak about the load of our husbands? To even be a man is a whole different ball game and to be a man in 2019 who serves God and has the audacity to start a family and lean on and fear the true and living God when he could easily go to the world.. there's a load we couldn't even think about carrying. Now I have been guilty of this one too many times, I would see my husband running errands, doing the things God told him to do, see the fruit and yet I would complain about him getting personal time while I'm doing 20 million things on the daily basis that involves the home and our son. I would also then tell him the same story about how much I do on the daily basis and it would be the same thing over and over again but not once would I acknowledge the things that he has had to do. I always tell him what if he was in my shoes. Well, what would happen if I was in his? There is apart of our ministry where we both tend to minister to those unexpectedly but as a whole? Would I be able to go out and handle the things that a man can? Don't read this vaguely. Anyone can get a job, change a tire, and pay bills, anyone can do that. But can I take on the attacks that a man takes on everyday. The pressure of being a man, the weight of being a leader in the household and in front of others when all eyes are on you. Not being able to call on too many people because those same people are calling you to be refilled. Again, don't read this with a one track mindset, the same way a man can change diapers is the same way a woman can work a long hour job. The thing is, I will never know how truly heavy my husband's load is because I am not a man. I didn't learn what it was like to be growing up as a man. Of course we can all point out the obvious struggles of being a man but we don't know their unseen weight and it's rarely talked about. So again, it is a heavy load to carry on both sides.

The tension is always sparked over a minor detail..

Now my married couples already know that our toughest arguments always come from something so small and so stupid that when you look back on it, you literally laugh or can't even remember what it was. (Now I am not downplaying arguments about serious things, that's between you and your home) Now if you are reading this and you desire marriage one day, just know that it always isn't peaches and cream, DON'T LET YOUR MIND WANDER WHEN READING THIS! Of course if you are in a relationship and you see one red flag, then take that as a warning to back off and just WAIT ON GOD. Now then, the tension always takes root in the smallest of things and when we allow the arguments to go too far before realizing the trick of the enemy, the damage is already done. Speaking from experience, it can be annoying to see how long an argument will last just for the sake of something so irrelevant. It can cause both you and your husband to grow tired of one another in that moment, it then exposes whatever it is that has been lurking around in your heart. Things that need to be dealt with can spill out during heated moments but we all know that during those moments, we are rarely thinking rationally. You could reveal a truth or the thoughts that you have been thinking for a few days just as ammo to get back at your spouse. Don't be surprised, this is nothing new to anyone really because we all do this with friendships and family members. Now then, sometimes an argument has to reveal whatever it is that was lurking in your heart so that you can deal with it so that it will no longer effect you.

("But the words you speak come from the heart, that's what defiles you." Matthew 15:18 ) 

 Of course (if your morals are right) we want our spouse to know whatever it is that hurt us back then or is bothering us currently. When you have a leveled head, it's easier to reveal these things through communication, it comes off as less of a blow and more so as an opening up moment. When it comes up in an argument, your spouse may think that you were just waiting to use that to cause pain to them. Take a moment to look back on the times where an argument revealed something about yourself that you would've rather came out as an intimate moment. All in all, arguments that form from small things can both reveal things about yourself that should've came out earlier or as an intimate moment. Or it can go so far that the two of you may drift apart for a moment.

 (Whatever it is for you, you get the gist of it) 

Notice the patterns and be ahead of the attacks...

We all know our personal "triggers". We all know exactly what it takes for us to get upset, sad and or frustrated so in that same way we should already get a hint or two of when the enemy is up to something concerning our marriage. The enemy loves to send the same old things to cause friction.We should be able to tell when our spouse may have had too much on their plate from their day and or week. Why add onto that? In knowing the patterns that usually lead to arguments and tough times, BOTH you and your spouse need to come together in your oneness and pray for each other. It is powerful when you both do these things on your own time but it adds so much more weight when you join hands together and pray with intent. This is just one of the many ways for you to be ahead of the familiar attacks. Another way is to make sure that you BOTH are having your own self evaluating moments and being real with yourselves about what you may see on yourselves. Are there certain things that are attached to you that you need to let go of? Are you picking up attitudes and frustrations of the people that hang around you or the things that you allow to go through your ear gates and eye gates? Your marriage will benefit from you looking in the mirror on the daily basis. Of course, you must be willing to die to your self daily, kill off your flesh by pushing the plate away from time to time. Be mindful that you do not tell anyone when you go on a fast because if you do, you cancel it out and you may come off as wanting someone to see you do the right thing.

"And when you fast, don't make it obvious, as the hypocrites do, for they try to look miserable and disheveled so people will admire them for their fasting. I tell you the truth, that is the only reward they will ever get." Matthew 6:16

Make sure that you are always taking the necessary steps to be ahead of the attacks and even when they come, be on one accord with your spouse in order to combat the enemy together.

In the midst of it all, don't forget the love..

Both you and your husband carry heavy loads in different ways and as much as we would want the other one to understand how much we do, they won't fully grasp it because we weren't born in each other's shoes. Now of course, showing appreciation is a good way to let your spouse know that even when nobody else sees them, you do and vice versa. You have to remember that the world always talks about the hard working exhausted woman. Thus already separating the husband and wife all together, but the BIBLE says that the husband and wife become ONE.  This does not mean that all of your hard work just gets pushed to the side because you are a mother and wife, this just means that you aren't the only one doing a lot of things on the daily basis. I am stepping on my own toes as I write this out to you all because of course I have been guilty of having a one track mindset when it comes down to this particular topic. Aren't you thankful that God will still use what you are passionate about to minister to YOU? In the midst of working and building your home and family, you can't forget to love on your spouse. Not just showing little things on social media but serious loving moments behind closed doors. Things that don't always need to be posted or recorded. Creating sweet memories just for you and your spouse to enjoy when you're older and look back on your youthful days. I can't tell you how to show love to your spouse because everyone is different and displays and receives love differently. All I can tell you is that you should be able to tell your spouse that you love them daily through your words AND actions. The more you put this into practice the more natural it will become, when all is said and done you need to aim for a healthy marriage that is pleasing to God. You and your spouse have had to overcome a lot and of course there is still more to come but when God is the foundation of it all, the love won't fade, it all depends on you. Keep seeking His face for guidance and clarity, be ahead of the attacks, allow appreciation to come forth on BOTH sides and stand firmly in your ONENESS.

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged