In A Marriage, Vulnerability Counts!

Marriage causes you to examine yourself.

Whether you are waiting for marriage and or you are already married, marriage exposes you. It causes the things that hurt you to come out in many different types of ways. Whether it's through your actions toward your spouse or the things you think about towards yourself, it always ends up coming out. With this being said, it's best to reveal any and everything that might have caused pain to you before you met your spouse. It's important to do this because if you don't you might take the unresolved trauma out on your spouse through your words/attitude for no reason. Marriage doesn't allow anything to lurk and hide, even if something has been lurking and hiding for awhile, it always ends up coming out especially for those in Christ due to the conviction. How can we walk out a life of integrity for our marriages if we aren't walking it out in fullness? Marriage is not for those who want to duck and hide away everything that has ever caused them pain. Marriage is for those strong and forgiving enough to learn everything about each other and still deciding to build and grow together.

Being open and honest benefits your marriage.

You may be thinking that it's obvious that people should be open and honest with their spouse, I mean they're married right, what's the deal? Well, speaking from experience, it can still be tough to open up about deep wounds to your spouse due to fear, shame, and or regret. Why am I talking about this? Let me help you out. About two days ago or so, I was convicted to the tenth degree. Something that had happened to me years ago was bothering me so bad that I was shaken to the core for not opening up to my husband about it. Of course this was something that happened when I was much younger but the unpleasant memory of it would always follow me, all the way up until recently. It was to the point to where I couldn't stand the word "secret" because I was carrying a huge one. Now then, it was a regular day, a good start but this time I just couldn't shake off the feeling of not opening up to my husband about this particular thing. I had waited until he had woken up and even though it took me awhile, I had finally revealed the very thing that had been secretly weighing me down for years. Afterwards, I just broke down and cried it out, he held me, we talked it through and I could breathe again with no restrictions. I was finally emptied out of all of the things that I used to do. As time passed within the day, I just felt different, there was nothing else left, finally, everything was out on the table and it was finally easier for me to truly talk about and let that part of my past go. I then began to be able to actually acknowledge that this particular thing was the ROOT to all of the things I had went through and done. I was able to pin point each thing that I struggled with in the past and it was all linked to that particular event. For the first time ever, I was finally able to let it go. 

Letting go and moving on takes work.

People will tell you that it's easy to move on and let go but let's be real here, sometimes it's not. You have to be WILLING to let it go, you have to be WILLING to talk about what caused pain and why and it has to be talked about with someone you trust ( specifically your spouse). While I was harboring this secret, there was always a rainy cloud hovering over me. There would be days where I had the most fun, but the event would sneak  up on me in dreams. There would be times where it weighed me down each day and I tried my best to cover it up even though the conviction kept tugging and tugging on me. There would be times where I could just pray for peace and praise and it would be gone for weeks then it would pop right back up. You see, pushing things to the side in hopes that they will disappear is not the same as letting it go. All of the weight from that vanished just within seconds of revealing it through my own lips. It seriously made me wish that I had opened up about it sooner and honestly, I have peace with that area of my life. I don't cringe at the word "secret" anymore. Most of all, I can actually close that part of my life fully without using that pain in my present actions. The only way to fully let something go is to talk about the very thing that you wish had never happened. In doing this, you begin to break out of the bondage that it once kept you in.

Your spouse is your teammate through the best of times and through the worst of times.

The real reason why I was so hesitant to share this particular issue with my spouse was because of the shame, regret, and the fear of someone else knowing what had caused me pain. Even as I type this out to you all now, it sounds silly. It sounds this way to me because your spouse is supposed to someone that you can talk these things through with. Honestly, it is always best to get everything out on the table, I would encourage you to refrain from keeping secrets because secrecy kills intimacy. Now usually when we see the word "intimacy" we mainly think about anything physical. In this case scenario it was killing the emotional intimacy on my end because I felt as though I couldn't open up. I was literally believing the lies of the enemy when in reality, as soon as I opened up to my husband, not only was he understanding but he also provided exactly what I needed and I was able to be FULLY vulnerable without any restrictions. The thing is, in marriage, we often times fall into a place where we want to hold all of this weight on our shoulders when really we have someone to share our good and hard moments with. Being vulnerable also builds more trust and understanding between you and your spouse. So again, I highly suggest that you refrain from keeping secrets from your spouse because we all know that marriages are different. Everyone won't handle things the same way that my husband and I handled all of this. Also too, you won't suffer from unresolved trauma when you open up because it makes room for healing. It's best to be open and upfront in the beginning so that you can air out everything and heal properly. If you are keeping things from your spouse, then you need to release it because, ( depending on what it is) you are only hurting yourself everyday and you're making the hard blow stronger on your spouse when you drop it. All in all, your spouse is supposed to be someone you can have these talks with to eliminate the "need" of telling someone else and or harboring mess day in and day out.

When the release comes from you, the healing becomes easier

When you finally release whatever it is that you have been harboring, you'll begin to wonder why you even waited so long to release it. I took on the brunt end of holding something to myself, causing more damage and being weighed down when I didn't have to. When I finally released it, within seconds, the weight of everything melted away quickly. Within the same day, I felt lighter immediately after releasing it. When you gather up the courage to release the very thing that you don't want to talk about, the healing can start quickly. Now again, I don't know your situation, I don't know how you and your spouse operates. I can only give you what I have went through in hopes that it'll help you to do the RIGHT thing even when it's HARD. If you're reading this and you aren't married yet or you are just waiting on God, then don't let this intimidate you. Just pray for God's will to be done in your life and if it's His will for you to be married, pray that your spouse will be understanding of where you have been in life and also pray that YOU will be understanding of where they have been. As I draw to a close, just be sure to refrain from keeping secrets from your spouse, it all comes out in the end anyway but it's best if you reveal it yourself before God does because you never know how harsh it could come out. When you finally heal from any childhood or even adulthood trauma, it eliminates the factor of you taking past hurts or pains out on your innocent spouse. Now, if you are willing to let your stuff go, talk it out with your spouse and afterwards, forgive the people or person that you need to forgive in your prayers and place that part of your past in God's hands once and for all. Your marriage benefits from your healing, don't hesitate to start today!

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged