The Health Of A Marriage Matters

Marriage is more than what is displayed...

Now then ladies, we all know what happens when we get married. You have family members asking about visiting or bombarding you with baby questions. You have some people showing and baring their true and not so pretty colors and on top of this and more, you are just trying to find your own unique groove to your marriage. Now before you come for me about saying if you marry someone you should just flow, this is true but we all know that it's common sense that things do change once you become husband and wife. Regardless of if you've already had children or not, lived together yet or not, after saying "I Do" things indeed do change. Now, if there are any single ladies reading, do not let this intimidate you or make you second guess marriage. Now then, marriage is not all what it is glossed up to be. Marriage is not based off of what you wear on your wedding day or how big your ring is or how many people are watching you. (Yes, some people actually live for that type of attention) Marriage is for having someone to build with both home wise and support wise. Marriage is about being able to be completely bare with your spouse and not just between the sheets but with your mindset and thoughts! Marriage is exposing the ugly and not so fond truths about yourself to each other and working towards loving each other past the hurts that you have both endured before you met each other. Marriage is about sacrifice, sharing, changing, and keeping each other as a priority even if you just got finished fussing or disagreeing. It's for those who choose to stand under the umbrella TOGETHER as the storm blows over. I often see that people will cut someone off so quick over a small misunderstanding or their past or even drop people if they change but will turn around and drool over the idea of being married. Well, newsflash, within the very first few months of marriage, changes and things being revealed are a big deal. Now, if you have waited on God for a spouse then you have a different patience level already and they do as well. If you have waited on God for the right person and not your flesh then you know that of course you bump heads but towards the end, you always draw back together. Another bonus of waiting on God for your spouse is that you can refrain from being sucked up into that person. You were your own individual self both before and after saying "I Do." The thing about you being your own person after getting married is just that you add onto your partner and vice versa. What they lack in, you fill in and what you lack of, they fill in. All in all, marriage is for those who have the right mindset towards it. It's best to wait on God. When you do so, you learn the importance of what it means to be ONE.

Transparency builds trust..

When striving for a healthy marriage, transparency plays a huge factor and honesty goes hand in hand with it. Now, in the beginning of your courting moments, you reveal a few things about yourself to each other but let's be real, during this time, you are just glad you have someone to cuddle and spend time with. It isn't until you get to the serious part of being with this person that you start to even feel comfortable enough to open up about the real things that you've been through. Am I saying that people are being fake before they get married. Well always remember that lies and secrets are close relatives. Some people aren't being fake though, they are literally just getting to know you and themselves in those moments because maybe it's been a long time since they found someone real. Maybe all they've ever known is hurt and betrayal so they are just being cautious. Give them time if they are genuine. Now as common as it is and as sad as it is, there are some people who just lie just to get to you, whether it's your body, where you live, your car, or money, there are men AND women out there who do this. This is why I keep stating that it's best to wait on God and to always use discernment. You can almost always determine if a thing will last or not by how it even started. If it started out just physical then it can be replaced and done with in as little as a month. If it was a genuine friendship without any exchange of benefits then a mutual bond can properly grow between the two of you. Now then, in a marriage, more things are revealed to you about each other and it's up to you both to look past what you've been through and to support each other in overcoming your old lifestyle. Being transparent with your spouse doesn't just apply to addressing the things that you have been through. It also applies to how you may be feeling from time to time. We as people have our own rough patches and when we go through that, we may take out our process on our spouse which then gets them heated or upset and before you know it, it's a whole ball of mess. Now if you have found you or your spouse in times of making messes, clean it up together by being open and transparent in where your headspace has been lately. Sometimes you have to put the phone down, turn the tv off, let the kids go into another room and just talk to your spouse. They are the only ones who see the vulnerable and bare version of you. By being transparent with your spouse on what you've been through and of things that may bother you from time to time, your trust begins to be built even stronger and your bond becomes thicker in security. Having trust is a much needed vitamin for the health of your marriage.

Communication, comprehension, and tender loving care.

Before I met my husband, I was a person who often shut herself out and off if that makes sense. I wasn't into the idea of sharing my inner most thoughts or if something bothered me, I would just shut down until it grew and festered which then caused me to blow up out of nowhere over things that took place ages ago. Once I entered marriage, I had to break myself out of that and I had to get extremely uncomfortable to be real with myself and my spouse. In doing so, this has shifted my communication skills and even then it came time for the comprehending stage. You see, as people in general, we always encourage each other to talk and to not keep things bottled up inside which is good, it's just that you rarely hear about people encouraging others on how to comprehend and actually take in what the other person is saying. You see, communicating is pointless if the other person isn't receiving or even understanding where you're coming from. You will be talking yourself blue if your spouse isn't retaining what your saying to understand. When we discussed being open and transparent, you can carry this over to your daily moments of communicating. Nobody knows your spouse better than you do because you're with them everyday so you observe and know how your spouse takes in certain information. If you feel as though your spouse may not be comprehending what you're saying, it's best to seek God in how you deliver certain topics of discussion. Also be sure that you aren't in a bitter or resentful place when trying to communicate. Of course, you both won't always see eye to eye but it's better to at least make an effort to get on one accord than to not try at all. The more that you communicate and practice comprehending one another, the more you'll be able to get to the solution faster. Refrain from being closed off in your marriage, if something is bothering you then bring it to your spouse in a way that they would understand and if your spouse is bringing something to you then make sure that you are vocal about whether or not you understand where they are coming from. When you are able to flow in communication, the love grows sweeter and you're on the right track to keeping your marriage healthy. Know that this is something that you guys will have to work on as the time passes by.

When little ones are added, it doesn't subtract from the two of you.

When you and your spouse have your own children, you both go through a bit culture shock and extreme change. I say this because even if you have had to watch your siblings or have experience in babysitting, you can't let go of your own child when they get to be too much. The word "team" doesn't go out the window just because a little bundle of joy is taking over. As I have stated in a previous post (Don't Sweat The Small Stuff) , the exhausted woman narrative is often displayed especially when the woman is a mother but that narrative immediately divides the husband and wife mentally. Yes, you can both be independent, you can both add things to the house in a different and or same way but you must know that you are a team. It's much better to get a full understanding as in to where your spouse's mindset is at towards caring for children before having them so that you two can both work and grow a mutual understanding, it won't be much of a hassle when the baby comes. Let me tell you something, no new mother needs any extra weight of pressure. As soon as a baby comes, she can take advice from others but no baby is the same. Your own child is unique to you and carries the traits of you and your spouse and those first few weeks of having your own is a raw period of time. You have to fight through people just wanting to see the baby and not asking about where your head is at. You have to block out what others say about your child's appearance or eating habits and with all of this and more, you are always asking yourself if you are a good mother. With all of this going on it's best to know what kind of partner you have by your side before hand so it's not a surprise or struggle when you see how they operate when children come into the picture. The actions of what they do when a child comes is much different than the words they speak. As we have all seen, people are always talking about building a family of their own but not all are truly even ready to put in the teamwork that comes with it. Most moms have burnout moments when they aren't getting enough help or support. Trust me, it makes a huge difference when your spouse is playing an active role when raising your child. One thing that I have learned as a mother is to refrain from keeping score of who does what when it comes down to our son. A GOOD father goes through stages as well that are often cast aside because for one, marriage is getting more and more rare these days and for two, the world keeps trying to feed us the exhausted woman narrative which is set to divide the house already. Now of course I am aware that even when your spouse is putting in just as much work with the child, burn outs still happen and you may even begin to notice that you never have the time for just the two of you. THIS IS WHEN YOU GET A BABY SITTER AND HEAD OUT. You cannot neglect the very thing that brought your child into the world and before you go thinking some kind of way, I am referring to just the two of you in general. You both need downtime together and some me time. After kids, marriage changes (if you aren't a fan of change then marriage isn't for you just yet) even more and your spouse does too but you still have to nurture and care for it. You want to set an example for the little eyes that are watching you and you want to make sure that you don't lose sight of each other. In the end, when the kids are all grown up and out of the house, it's just you and your spouse. Make sure that it's a peaceful and joyful result. Your marriage benefits greatly from date nights, one on one times, a day for you individually, honesty, communication and most of all prayer time.

All in all the keys to a healthy marriage are very simple, we as people just make it seem like rocket science sometimes. Know that whatever works for you and your marriage is good for you. The most important thing to know is that no matter what, always place your marriage in God's hands.

Here's to building healthy AND long lasting marriages!

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged