Applying Grace To Your Marriage

Check yourself because you knew you were wrong not because it looks good in front of an audience.

Dear Kingdom Sisters as well as my Kingdom Brothers, this is different right? Uploading on a Wednesday night? Certainly wasn't planned but sometimes you just have to do what is being put on you to do. I've found that lately it's been more of a press to just do what God is leading you to do. I know that this may sound weird because I mean come on, half of you have always been that way and honestly I would've expected myself to be this way more daily. Well dear reader, neither of us are perfect. I have my areas, my ways, and my days where it's just "ugh" or "come on, do better". It's up to you whether or not you can call yourself out on it and to do so genuinely whether you have an audience or not. "An audience?" Well, some of us check ourselves for the wrong reasons and we do so in front of an audience just to gain sentiment and or a pat on the back from others. We may bark all day long on social media but behind closed doors our tails are tucked between our legs so far that we begin to somersault into self destruction even deeper than before. If you're going to check yourself, do it because YOU know you messed up or slacked off, or returned to your old ways. Don't do it to show everyone how humble you think you are. Personally from experience, I've seen that the more someone claims to be humble constantly, their actions say otherwise. It's just like how someone is always going on and on about how grown they are but in doing so, they expose their own childish ways. Now then dear readers, for those who are married, let's dive in and even if you desire marriage, I advise you stick along as well. Honestly some of what we will be getting into can even be applied to friendships and or open your eyes to how you've been operating in your friendships.

Appreciate them in a way that you would want to be appreciated.

Roles. Our roles when it comes to marriage can either cause tension or bliss. Some people can't imagine doing what the next person would gladly do. Some might have been through the marriage ringer before and might've vowed to never try it out again because of how many scars they had retained from their previous marriage. While for some, they know that deep down, if it's God's will, that God has someone for them and they put their focus on what He would have them to do. 10/10 these are the people who gain their hearts desires when it comes to wanting a marriage. Well when it comes to my readers who've been in it for awhile, take a step back and see if any of this applies to you. Are you operating in certain emotions and attitudes towards your spouse because of what you endured BEFORE them? Are there times where you frown your nose upon other marriages because of what they do for one another and even when they're put on display you couldn't possibly imagine how they continue on to being so close and strong? I mean, it happens, comparison creeps in during any topic or situation, which is why you must know who you are in God! Now then, as you are evaluating yourself, take the time to list EVERY SINGLE THING that your spouse does for you. Whether you ask them to do something or not, look at ALL that they've done. Now, take a look at EVERY SINGLE THING that you do for them. How would you want them to show that they appreciate you? Does it consist of cuddles, kisses, food, maybe gifts or words of affirmation? Would it be those silent hugs that has a million words within them or maybe just a note being put into your car for you to enjoy on your own? However you would want to receive appreciation, display that towards your spouse! Now of course we can talk about different love languages but guess what, your spouse already knows you, so once you start taking your appreciation to the next level, they'll be able to follow through on their end as well. Now I get it, what happens if they don't catch on or nothing changes? Again, you know your spouse better than anyone else so don't go into this expecting an immediate return. Go into this knowing that showing you spouse how and why you appreciate them will brighten their day. When your intentions are to just ace putting a smile on their face or reminding them that their loved and seen by you, you'll see how God shifts the entire atmosphere of your marriage altogether.

Some fights just aren't worth having..

So he left his shoes out again, she ran up all the hot water. He let the baby's diaper sit for too long while your hands were full, or she didn't feel like cooking so take out it is. He might've been on the game for too long again and you guys missed your chance of having alone time because the baby is up again, she was lazy all day due to tiredness and the kids had a free for all day and the house is destroyed. Of course these are small examples for different situations that can apply all over BUT a lot of arguments and sometimes even our worst ones are over things that are small AND stupid.  You're offended? Well just imagine how I'm feeling having to write this, I'm the first partaker of it all. When you look back over big arguments, half the time you can't even remember what started it. All you remember is the reaction from your spouse, the trigger words, and the pain afterwards. Now of course we all have arguments about big issues as well. Hopefully though you're being open and honest more in order to refrain from those! When it comes down to the small stuff, they're not worth it, they get you both heated and leave you only thinking about those three things. Need a refresher? Arguments leaves you with these in your mind: 

1.  How your spouse reacted.
2. The trigger words that were used.
3. The pain from it all

Now then, to refrain from having petty and explosive, unnecessary arguments, CATCH IT EARLY! No, this isn't just for wives, this is for husbands as well! If you know things are beginning to get tense, one of you should be able to know when it's going too far. Walk away, express that you both need to cool down, or try to call it out for what it is. Walking away can work for those marriages that have hotheads on both sides, you both will subconsciously agree that you need space without saying a word. Expressing that you both need to cool down works for married couples that need to actually hear what you're about to do so that your actions won't be perceived  as something else. Calling it out is mostly for those married couples that have a mutual unspoken agreement of KNOWING "okay we're going overboard." This one usually ends up having silly results. With myself, sometimes I'll call it out and afterwards I'll just say "ehhh I'm just being a girl again." ( I'll usually say this or other things along with it if its that time of month or if something else that ISN'T his fault is going on.) With my husband, he gets ahead of it by completely catching me off guard sometimes. IN A GOOD WAY! ( It was necessary to say that because for those who desire marriage, there are both men and women out there who will try to catch you off guard by blaming you or being super manipulative, recognize the warnings and wait on God) Now then, when my husband catches me off guard in a good way, he'll openly communicate if we were just saying the same things but in different ways (which happens a lot) or even how we were just good not too long ago. This is all a lot for small arguments right? Well it can happen sometimes but just know that if you stay ahead of it, it won't have to go too far. It also shows how much you truly know your spouse. Not in a sense of just knowing what they're going to say but in the sense of knowing how this will effect them in the moment and later on as well.

Leaving yesterday IN yesterday.

It's incredibly easy to bring up old arguments and past hurts that your spouse may have put you through. If you aren't one to communicate, during an argument, you might lash out about a time where your spouse hurt your feelings and even though it's been stuck on you forever, the arguments gets more intense because you're suddenly releasing NEW information. Our spouses can’t read our minds and we can't read theirs, this is why it's important to COMMUNICATE what bothered you or is currently bothering you WHEN IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS. After doing so, you both can have a discussion and find ways to overcome it and move on with healing. Leaving yesterday in yesterday is important in a marriage because if you constantly hang onto what used to weigh you down, your spouse will outgrow you and you'll be out of position and be stuck playing catch up. Don't you want what God has in store for you within your marriage and for you as an individual servant to Him? How can you get there carrying weights, hurts, and fears of yesterday? Honestly when you're married, it's more of a blessing than people realize (when you're with who God sent). You literally have someone who can see the ugliest side of you (we ALL have it and God is removing it) and they'll still be there. I cannot tell you enough how  important it is to be vocal about "back then" with your spouse and finally gaining the courage to let it go. Let me tell you something because I've done it one too many times before. Sometimes we don't want to let our pains go because of regret, embarrassment, and just wanting to have something to vent about. Some people actually WANT others to feel bad for them and this is one of the most unhealthiest things you can put yourself through. Know that the more you hold onto it, the less you'll grow. Talk it through with your spouse, fast your way through it, seek Holy Ghost filled counsel and leave it in God's hands. Don't pull back His fingers either, let Him flick you away from your past hurts and into the newness that He has for you. Also know when you are discussing past hurts, it doesn't just have to be about things from 5 years ago, it can also be something from 5 days or even 5 hours ago. Leave yesterday in yesterday, your marriage will produce better fruit!

Displaying patience in the midst of being impatient..

Habits. We ALL have them. Good, bad, draining, energizing, or even addicting, whatever it might be for you, there's a habit that you have that your spouse dislikes. We already know that there are a MILLION habits we don't like that our spouse has. But what if someone were to come up to you and ask you what habits do YOU have that drive your spouse crazy... Would you be able to list them or would you hesitate and trip over your words? It's easier to point the finger.. Take me for example, I would vocally go on about all the habits I couldn't stand and there's a lot but I would be saying the same thing every other day. Whenever I saw even a tiny ounce of it, I was hounding it and dragging on and on and on. One thing that I had noticed was that I rarely would hear or even be notified of anything that I did that bothered my husband. Again, please know that this applies to both husbands and wives, this is not a bash yourself or bash your spouse session. Also for those who desire marriage, don't think that I'm talking about OBVIOUS red flags that can damage you or go against your faith in God! Think about those habits that are small and annoying when being done repeatedly.

That's what marriage is,  overcoming tiny things that take the longest while on the other hand, releasing big discussions that seem somewhat easier and don't last nearly as long. Strange isn't it? I know! During all of these habits that won't seem to end, are you being patient about them or are you just to the point to where you're flipping your lid every 2 seconds? Well you won't be a fan of this response but showing patience when you don't want to is actually very beneficial. Even when you don't see an immediate change in your spouse right away, just by going about it a different way, your spouse will notice and slowly but surely they'll begin to shift. Now please don't be out here praying for actual patience because that just brings on odd and extremely pressure filled situations where patience seems even more impossible to achieve. Just ask the Lord to shift your mindset before reacting. Displaying patience allows you to apply grace more efficiently because we're in this for the long haul, might as well get along in a healthy way.

Remember: YOU decided to say "I DO" to this person!

All in all, you have to remember that you said yes to happily ever after with your spouse. You agreed to stand with them during both of your good, bad, and ugly moments. As you both continue your individual journeys in your faith, being on one accord for your marriage is so important. Do the work, apply the Word AND don't forget to have some fun with your spouse. I LOVE to laugh because in my past, there was a time where I was always down, stuck in my own head, I masked myself up but deep down I was goofy corny and loved humor. When I first met my husband to this very moment today, I treasure our laughter and jokes. It's one of the things that remind me of how good God is because it reminds me that I'm truly alive. Backstory on why that's important to me? Maybe some other time. I strongly hope that this was all helpful to any married couples who KNOW they need to display more grace within their marriage. For those who desire marriage, be sure to watch and catch those red flags BEFORE walking down the aisle, yes people can wear masks and put on a front but that won't work for long because marriage truly exposes you and your intentions. If you're in the midst of courting, just keep in mind that things DO change after getting married, it's up to you whether or not that ends up being a great or miserable thing for you. LISTEN TO WHAT GOD IS TELLING YOU. To those who might have been wondering how any of this applies to friendships, well hopefully is was an eye opener for the friends who go over and beyond and end up being drained because their "friend" just keeps drinking from them instead of returning the gesture of pouring. Know that God will place the RIGHT ones around you, the ones who'll tell you the truth when you're wrong, the ones who aren't "yes men" just for the sake of keeping you around, and ones who will actually give you the Word of God. Hopefully this was on time for whoever needed it tonight, I know I certainly needed this.

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged