Overcoming Arguments With Your Spouse

Marriage is a daily commitment that takes realistic work..

In today's world of posting and sharing love, some people begin to form the wrong idea about marriage and even friendships. What I mean by this is, many people will get sucked into seeing what others are doing online and they'll begin to form false realities of what they think a marriage and or even a friendship should be like. Of course marriage is filled with love, commitment, trust and many other integrity filled things but guess what, it takes work for a reason. People are people and there is no exact copy of another person. Meaning that you and your spouse may have similarities but you two are not the same exact person. You both don't think alike in all areas. Because of this, arguments will come and go because of two different mindsets and two different points of views. Which is fine as long as you can both come together to use your differences for the good of your marriage and not the opposite. You see, in today's world, a picture is often painted that if you have one argument and or falling out, then your significant other never loved you. It's also been painted that if a friend calls you out on YOUR own toxic behavior then they are now fake. This is not the case at all. A true friend will not allow you to spiral down into the worst version of yourself. Also when we get married and or even if your are with your girlfriends or are currently courting in hopes of marriage, arguments will rise. This does not mean that the person loves you any less even though we are aware that there are messed up people out there. During this post, keep in mind that we are only talking about the genuine ones in your life. Married couples have disagreements from time to time and that doesn't mean that they are with the wrong people. (I am clearly aware that sometimes this is the case but as I have stated before, we are only concentrating on the genuine ones) Today's society will have you thinking that you should give up just because you and your spouse fought over who took the trash out or who didn't place clothes in the right place. Yes, things as small as this can explode into huge and unnecessary frustration. Arguments come and go and today is the day that you take the differences between you and your spouse and use them to cover and protect your marriage.

First things first, you can't read their mind..

Before an argument even begins to continue or even start, you must know that you both cannot read each other's minds. Sometimes you both may be saying the exact same thing but in different ways which can be annoying and unclear if neither of you are allowing the other person to talk. Now notice that I stated BEFORE an argument continues or even STARTS. Before it even starts, you have a better decision making mindset opposed to when you are in the heat of the moment and ready to pop off at any moment. If something is bothering you, whether it be about your job, the kids, your day or even something that your spouse is doing that you aren't fond of, LET THEM KNOW! I cannot say this enough. It is so much better to talk to your spouse INSTEAD of assuming that you are both already on the same page and or are good. Your spouse doesn't know what's always going on in your mind UNLESS YOU TALK TO THEM. Talk to them and not at them because at the end of the day, you both see the most vulnerable sides of each other, whether you have close friends or not, nobody sees the real vulnerable parts of your marriage except you and your spouse. It needs to be like this because marriage in itself needs boundaries in order to breathe and function. Assuming that your spouse is aware of what's going on with you will only bring unfulfilled expectations and again, unnecessary frustration. The only difference with this is that the frustration is silently building up inside of you because you decided to assume that your spouse is always aware of what may be going on with you. The only one who will forever know what's about to happen is God. This is why you have to TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE! As husbands and wives, no matter who works or who doesn't or if you both work or neither, at the end of the day, you BOTH need a breather from doing whatever it is that you've been doing all day. Most of the times, a friend being a listening ear won't always be able to fill up what you need. Talking with your spouse not only helps you and them unload, it also helps to PREVENT the silent frustration and assumptions from slipping in. So before you get annoyed with your spouse for something small whether it's about them or not, talk to them and remember that you both can't read each other's minds.

In the heat of the moment, know your spouse..

So boom, you are both fed up with each other, fussing, talking over each other, saying hurtful things out of spite and growing bitter for the moment. What do you do? How should you operate? Well, truthfully it all depends how well do you know your spouse. If you are someone who requires space during an argument, go to another room just to blow off steam and collect yourself. If your spouse is someone who needs and or wants to fix everything right then and there then you have to let them know that if they keep pushing it'll only get worse. Lastly but not least, let's be real. We KNOW what pushes our spouses buttons, we know what ticks them off. You just have to make sure that you both aren't going off the deep end. DO NOT RUN TO SOCIAL MEDIA TO VENT!! You will attract attention that will harm your marriage. Not everyone wants you two to survive. Now then, if your spouse is the one who just has to get the last word, still take that time to calm down and collect yourself. Of course all married couples can testify that this is all easier said than done but guess what? You have to work at it daily. Did you know that it takes 21 days to form a habit? Work at it constantly EVEN IF your spouse isn't changing as quickly as you are. They will begin to see that you are operating differently therefore inviting change on both your end and theirs. Sometimes either of you can catch one another before you both go too far, if your spouse is going off or if you see that they are about to say something that triggers you then call it out. Let them know that it's going too far BEFORE you both are blinded by anger and misunderstanding. Again, all married couples know that this is easier said than done but in order for change to take place, all you have to do is start.

Be quick to repent to God and don't hesitate to forgive your spouse..

After all is said and done, you might not be near your spouse during this moment, you may be in different rooms and or even if you are in the same room, everything is silent and the atmosphere is probably thick. What do you do in this silent moment? Seek God, ask Him to take out anything that is not of Him out of you. Repent for anything that you have said, done, and or thought that was not pleasing to Him. During this quiet time, make sure that in your mind and heart that you truthfully forgive your spouse. Do not hold one bad moment over their head or use this to mask their character as the bad one when you both were fighting. During this time, it's best to unload everything to God, whether it's just by saying a prayer in your mind, writing it out, or just by praying in the spirit, allow yourself to calm fully down before saying anything to your spouse just yet. Looking back over the fight in your mind, you will see where you BOTH went wrong. Let's be honest, it's EASY to see what your spouse did or said wrong. Once repentance and forgiveness has taken place, the next step is completely up to what works with you and your marriage.

The aftermath is up to you and your spouse..

Once the silent time is over, whether or not you or your spouse breaks the silence, you don't have to return to what just happened unless you are both calm enough to do so. If not, do not let what just happened keep you from showing affection. You said "I do" meaning that you are willing to work with your spouse until the very end. (Again, I am aware that cruel things happen to other people but we are just talking about the standard normal arguing just to be clear. This is also why you should wait on God for marriage instead of rushing into anything because you don't want to be lonely) Even if you both are not able to return to discuss what took place, hold hands, and tell them you love them. If things get calmer, even if it's the same day or the next, don't go to bed viewing your spouse in a negative way because everyday is not promised and no matter who was right or wrong, God knows and sees all so it's best to forgive and to allow the atmosphere to shift for the better. If you are both calm enough and are willing to discuss what just happened, allow your spouse to completely state their point of view and then vice versa. Again, not all marriages are the same so however your aftermath routine looks, make sure that you are repairing the pieces of it that'll bring you and your spouse closer.

Overcoming it together...

All in all, overcoming arguments is much easier said than done but once you begin to put in the work before and even after arguments, change becomes even more reachable for your marriage than it was yesterday. As a married woman, I know that when arguments happen, they don't last forever and it takes communication to continue to grow and learn alongside with your spouse. You don't just get mad and throw a fit. You BOTH learn from EACH OTHER, you don't trigger each other on purpose and even when the argument happens, afterwards, come together so that you both can experience a better version of yourselves than yesterday. You are on the same TEAM with your spouse. Nobody else can handle them, know them, and love them like you can. Work together, talk to each other, and don't give up on one another.

"...a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together."

As Always: Stay Blessed & Encouraged